“Maybe he just likes you!”
This was something that was said a lot to me about my bully. If you have had a bully and where socialized in a hetero-normative society you were probably told the same. That boy teases you because he likes you, that girl is mean because she likes you. It wasn’t just people around you. Movies, tv, series, in a lot of them the Bully Redemption is often featured. In some cases it is part of the outright romance. I mean, romance has a trope that is “Bully Romance”. This gets another side when it comes to young bullied kids who are queer. They are told by people around them that maybe those bullies are also closeted, to have some compassion for them. As someone who was bullied I have to ask, why must we love our bullies?
Why would I want to be with someone who rallied others to make me feel so bad? How could someone who like you make you feel like so little?
This question, specially from the point of view of queer kids, came up in Twitter when Netflix tweeted about a couple made up of a former bully and his bullying victim and titled it as “growth”. The reaction was not exactly positive. There quickly was a discussion of how dangerous this is for queer kids, specially queer kids of color as is the bullied boy in that couple. At the least it asks for compassion, at the worst it can lead these kids to feel that this abuse is just hiding a love they might be longing for. They could end up taking all this abuse because it means love. They could open themselves to abuse because of it as well in future relationships. And this applies in all cases, we see the same in hetero relationships, whether a part of the queer community or not. This is not even touching on the racial aspects of the couple Netflix tweeted about.
When I saw it it made me think of all the times I had been told the statement I quoted, or a variation of it. “Maybe he likes you!” “Well you could end up together!” In all honesty, it was a terrible idea in my head. Why would I want to be with someone who rallied others to make me feel so bad? How could someone who like you make you feel like so little? Most people said it with a smile. It’s hard to think people who love you would wish something bad to you. But that is what it can feel like when they suggest this.
There is also the fact that real life bullies are not punished by a magical fairy so they learn. Many of them have little to no thought of what the effects of their bullying were. The victims however…
A part of me is sure this was one reason I had such a difficult relationship with Romance as a genre. If this was supposed to be romantic, I wanted nothing to do with that. It was something that can be seen in many movies, series, books, and that's not even getting into things written expressly under that trope. I wont say I have never liked something along those lines, one of my favorite fairy tales in Beauty and the Beast after all. But even in that context…I don’t think the bully needs to be redeemed and in most cases I prefer re-tellings where that beastly character is much less of a bully. There is also the fact that real life bullies are not punished by a magical fairy so they learn. Many of them have little to no thought of what the effects of their bullying were. The victims however…well this is not the first time I write about this.
To some people it might seem like it’s wrong to not forgive people for what they did in the past, especially if they moved on for the better. This was something my bully did, he not only grew and directly asked me for forgiveness, he did so in front of the whole class and said they didn’t even know everything he had done. It was something to be admired and I did say I could forgive him. I can’t forget. And even if we had a more friendly interactions in the times we have run into each other after that…I would never want to be with him. Even if he was sorry, it didn’t erase the effect of what had been done. And I know to many people, it may seem like I am the bad guy, not moving on from it.
Some people defended it by pointing out that a lot of people who get attached to the idea of the bully romance are victims themselves, … I can’t help but wonder if …victims can gravitate to it is because the place where we find that supposed bully who actually liked you is in fiction.
Youtuber Cheyenne Lin has a great video on the vilification of bully victims in media. As a bully victim herself she touches on how uncomfortable this is for people can’t “move on”. If the victim decides to fight back, or doesn’t want give them a break, the victim is wrong. Again, if the victim of bullying in the Netflix series doesn’t give his bully a chance, doesn’t give him a chance as a possible relationship, he would have been seen as the bad guy. This is what all these reactions against the tweet where. People wanting to make it clear, whether victims themselves or not, that this is a toxic thing to ask of victims. As Lin says, the effects can be life long. And when the characters that are shown as not moving on are usually villains, or at the least told they are just as bad as the bullies.
Some people defended it by pointing out that a lot of people who get attached to the idea of the bully romance are victims themselves, maybe seeking some kind of closure. I am not here to say someone should feel bad for their tastes in reading. But I can’t help but wonder if part of the reason victims can gravitate to it is because the place where we find that supposed bully who actually liked you is in fiction. There was little chance of that happening in life, so these victims might still need this closure. So they find it in these works, where the bully turns out to be actually into you. It might even be a power fantasy for some, to think you are so great that someone can’t even function around you. It’s not for me, but again — you do you and read on.
…if you are among the people who think these bully redemption stories are great and should be something victims keep in mind…maybe we should consider where these thoughts come from.
The conversation is still going strong in Twitter. People have shared their own personal bullying stories. They have shared resources for anyone being bullied. Many have talked of how more positive aspects of the series, such as a nuanced and multi-dimensional representation of queer kids of color, get lowered by this aspect of the series. This was part of why I felt like getting all these thoughts out. Because the discussion brought back those times when people have mentioned that myth of the bully probably just likes you. As I said, don’t feel like you are bad for liking it, everyone has their reasons and it’s not like I don’t have my own problematic faves in romance tropes. But understand why some of us feel like these kind of stories helped to make it so our own situations where seen as less bad as they were.
I guess that the fact that this sent me on a Medium rant where my thoughts are everywhere means there is still a lot more healing needed. I am sure others who thought of this feel it too. There is also the need to acknowledge I was among the “lucky” ones. I made good friends in my middle schools days, people who helped me see I could indeed fight back against bullies and it was not bad. Friends I have to this day. And probably what led to my main bully actually asking for forgiveness. I only had to deal with it for about ten of my school years, and it still left a mark. There is people who had to go through all of it and beyond school and the marks can be even deeper. I guess what I want to say is, if you are among the people who think these bully redemption stories are great and should be something victims keep in mind…maybe we should consider where these thoughts come from. When something gets romanticized, who stands to benefit from it?
